This post is about two completely unrelated topics.

First, on Sunday we lost Ellie.  I wasn’t all that worried because we lost her in a church in Taiwan.  Taiwan is about the safest country on the planet and church is about the safest place in Taiwan.  Not only that, but heaven help the person who ever tried to kidnap Ellie.  She would scream any kidnapper into oblivion.

So we lost Ellie in Taiwan in the church and the only reason that we were looking for her was because we wanted to go home–otherwise we probably would have let her remain lost a little longer.  When I finally found her (probably only 30 seconds later–not quite as dramatic as you were probably envisioning) she was in the church’s kitchen, sitting at a table, surrounded by Chinese women, eating noodles with chopsticks.  They were all speaking Chinese and doting over her like she was a starving porcelain doll.  She was sitting there eating like she was just one of the gals.  It was one of those images from Taiwan that will remain imprinted on my brain.  An imprint that will always make me smile and make me so grateful for the opportunity of living abroad.  I’m grateful that my children are learning to be comfortable with people of different nationalities, of different ethnicities, who speak different languages and eat different foods.  That’s something that even a book can’t teach.

Have I mentioned in the last 15 minutes how much I love living abroad?  I love this lifestyle!!!!!!!

The second part of my post is about my recently acquired gift.  Okay, it’s not all that recent; I have been perfecting it for the last 15 years and 4 months.  There was a time, when in order to concentrate enough to read a book, I had to have complete silence; no noise or movement whatsoever.  In college, I did most of my studying in my bedroom because there was too much noise and movement in the library for me to concentrate adequately.

However, life has a way of changing us and giving us certain gifts that keep us from going insane.  One of those gifts is a mother’s ability to block out just about any sound.  I’m so good at it now that I can read in the livingroom, surrounded by my family, even with a movie playing.  Not only can I block out TV, I can also block out whining, crying, screaming, smacking sounds, and any sentence which contains to word “Mom.”  And as I type, Ellie is behind me watching Spy Kids and it doesn’t bother me or affect my ability to concentrate on my writing in the least bit.  Before giving birth, I never could have done this.

Maybe it’s a pregnancy hormone induced thing.

Now here’s my attempt to tie this post together into one nice little cohesive package:  The only kidnapper that would stand a chance against Ellie would be a kidnapper who is also a mother and could therefore tune out her relentless screaming.  That could be dangerous!

I wish I could say that this swimming pool was in our backyard.  But sadly, it is not.  However, it is within walking distance from our house and is owned by the State Department so we have access to it whenever we want.  And it has an absolutely breathtaking view of Taipei.

I’m ashamed to say that, for the most part, I don’t really like the food in Taiwan.  I think that it stems from my general dislike for meat.  I’m not a huge meat-eater, especially funky meat.  And there is a lot of funky meat here.

For example, dumplings are the unofficial food of Taiwan.  Pork dumplings are probably the most common.  Most people really like Taiwanese dumplings.  However, every time I eat them I have the sneaking suspicion that the few minutes in boiling water hasn’t really cooked the ground pork and all I can think of is, I am eating raw pork.  I am feeling bile rising from the back of my throat and mixing with the raw pork.  Raw pork and stomach bile are not a good combination.  Hence, my general dislike of dumplings.

Everywhere Jason and I have traveled to, I have found food that I love.  Food that I dream about long after I leave the country.  Up until just recently, I hadn’t found that food in Taiwan.  But now I have!

Taiwanese Mangoes Baby!!!!

I’m thinking that when God sent manna to the Children of Israel, it was really Taiwanese mangoes that He sent.  I would have been very happy hanging out in the wilderness for 40 years if I could have eaten Taiwanese mangoes everyday.

So move over Three C’s (Cheese, Chocolate and Cheesecake) because you have been replaced with my new favorite food of all time.  Taiwanese mangoes are now at the top of the list.  The mangoes we get in the states don’t hold a candle; even the mangoes I ate in Hawaii are sub-par compared to these lovely local mangoes.  The only drawback is that I have to consume them in the privacy of my kitchen because I make such a mess as I’m stuffing them in my gullet that I have to lean over the sink while the juice runs down my face like the blood of a hyena’s recent kill.

But alas, mango season is coming to an end all too soon. Sniff!  And then I’ll be back to eating raw pork and stomach bile dumplings.

I am officially The Meanest Mom on the Planet.  It is a distinction that has been given to me by my children; yes, the ones I carried in my womb for nine months and squeezed out of my body, thus giving life to.  Here is proof that no mom is meaner than I am:

1.  I served cereal for dinner one time this summer, which according to my 15-year-old is the unforgivable sin.

2.  I woke my 13-year-old up to take out the garbage—-at 10:00 a.m.

3.  I make my kids weed the yard for spending money.  This time it is my 11-year-old that finds this unforgivable, especially with my unfair rate of $1 per full bag of weeds.

4.  I insist on combing the tangles out of my 6-year-old’s hair, thus not allowing her to run around like the caveman child that apparently she feels she was meant to be.

Other qualifying factors for this award include:  a 10:00 p.m. curfew, expecting beds to be made before playing with friends, not allowing food in the family room and basement and no sleepovers, (except with relatives.)  Oh, and I have a strict policy of NO reptiles or rodents as pets.

So move over Susan Smith, Casey Anthony, the woman who drowned your kids in the bathtub so Satan couldn’t control them, and all the rest of you moms who are doing time (or should be doing time) for acts of unspeakable cruelty to your children.   For the above mentioned, and I’m sure many other egregious acts of torture, I have the distinction of being The Meanest Mom on the Planet.  And frankly, I’m rather proud of this distinction and I wear it as a badge of honor.

I’m thinking of getting a plaque made up, and possibly tee-shirts.

It’s now been 3 1/2 weeks since I last saw my husband.  We’re at about the mid-point of our home leave.

Since I have a whole big bed to myself, I make it a point to only use half of the bed each night.  That way, in the morning, I only have to make one side.  It’s a laziness issue more than anything.  So, on what would be my husband’s side of the bed, I have replaced him with the following items:

1.  My laptop:  My husband is a Mac snob, so it is a MacBook something-or-other (I honestly haven’t paid that much attention).  But it keeps me connected, so I’m not complaining.  It’s the only computer we brought back to the States with us, so I have to fight my kids for it.  But at night, it’s usually here on the bed with me.

2.  An external hard-drive:  It’s loaded with movies and TV shows.  Really the only thing that I ever watch from it is the series Everybody Loves Raymond which I honestly could watch a hundred times.  That Ray Romano is hysterical!

3.  A cell phone:  It’s an antique iPhone 2.  When we moved to Taiwan it lost its phone status and was demoted to a simple iPod.  But we found that we could put a GoPhone card in it and resurrect it to its former state as a phone, albeit temporarily.  When we go back to Taiwan at the end of the month, it will be demoted back to iPod.

4.  My iPad:  If you have to replace your husband with something, this is it ladies!  The iPad is the greatest invention since fire.

5.  A book:  Right now it’s a book by Robert M. Edsel entitled The Monuments Men: Allied Heroes, Nazi Thieves, and the Greatest Treasure Hunt in History.  It’s a historical book about the soldiers who were responsible for protecting and retrieving the great works of European art from the Nazis during WWII.  I would highly recommend it to any art history buffs out there.

6.  My scriptures:  I find that reading from them each day inspires me and keeps me grounded.  It helps me remember that there is more to this life than the everyday mundane.  Reading from them reminds me of what is really important.  I would highly recommend putting in those few minutes everyday.

So, that’s what has replaced my husband.  My other option was a big slobbery dog.  Although more comparable to my husband in hairiness, a dog would have been harder to get into a suitcase when we go back to Taipei in 3 1/2 weeks.